My One Regret Read online

  My One Regret

  Claudia Burgoa

  Contents

  My One Regret

  Dedicated To:

  Epigraph

  1. Sadie

  2. Kade

  3. Kade

  4. Kade

  5. Kade

  6. Kade

  7. Sadie

  8. Kade

  9. Kade

  10. Sadie

  11. Sadie

  12. Sadie

  13. Sadie

  14. Kade

  15. Kade

  16. Kade

  17. Kade

  18. Kade

  19. Kade

  20. Kade

  21. Kade

  22. Kade

  23. Sadie

  24. Sadie

  25. Sadie

  26. Sadie

  27. Kade

  28. Kade

  29. Kade

  30. Kade

  31. Kade

  32. Sadie

  33. Sadie

  34. Sadie

  35. Kade

  36. Kade

  37. Sadie

  38. Sadie

  39. Sadie

  40. Kade

  Epilogue

  Dear Reader,

  Savoring You

  Until I Fall

  Found

  Acknowledgments

  Also By Claudia Burgoa

  About the Author

  Copyright © 2018 by Claudia Burgoa

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, distributed, stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic, photocopying, mechanical or otherwise, without express permission of the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages for review purposes.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, brands, media, places, storylines and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any person, living or dead, or any events or occurrences, is purely coincidental.

  The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products, brands, and-or restaurants referenced in this work of fiction, of which have been used without permission. The use of these trademarks is not authorized with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.

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  Created with Vellum

  Dedicated To:

  Nirza, your departure came like a swift wind. You’ll be missed.

  “It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.”

  – J.K. Rowling

  1

  Sadie

  I don't think I'll ever understand why she tried to take her own life. And I worry about what’s going to happen to her. She needs help but who’ll be around to give it to her?

  Sadly, I’m not part of her life. Not anymore.

  I twist my engagement ring as I wait for Kade to arrive.

  We need to talk, said his text.

  I hold my breath, hugging my stomach. This can’t be happening. Just this morning, we talked about looking for a bigger home. We booked the honeymoon. Two months visiting the most beautiful gardens in the world with the man of my dreams.

  The sound of the apartment door closing makes my heart beat faster. He’s here. I take my ring off. A one-carat solitaire diamond he gave me almost a year ago. I set it on top of the nightstand and look around our room. His apartment, not mine. Everything belongs to him; I only brought a few things when he asked me to move in.

  “Sade?” His voice is loud, his tone neutral.

  “In the room,” I croak. “How is she?”

  I look up, as he enters. My eyes study him from top to bottom. It’s been a hard day. I’m not expecting his charming grin or his seductive smirk. But I can’t stand that his mouth remains in an uncharacteristically grim line.

  Now that the end is coming, I feel numb. My heart beats, but my chest is hollow.

  “Hey,” he mumbles.

  He runs a hand through his dark, longish hair. It’s messy, covering half of his rugged face. His jaw, overshadowed by two days’ worth of stubble is set into a scowl. Those silver eyes search around the area avoiding mine. I hate his rigid posture. My hands itch to reach out and comfort him. He’s going through hell. This is as bad as what happened to his sister…or worse.

  He’s blaming himself. Does he blame me too?

  My heart hurts for him and his daughter. Nothing I can say or do will make it better.

  “Recovering.” His husky melodic voice is calm yet distant.

  His eyes find mine. The storm inside them makes them look dark, yet they are still so clear. Everything in his expression screams rejection.

  It’s over.

  I lower my gaze, staring at my freshly painted toenails. Just earlier I was getting a mani-pedi with his daughters, Hannah and Tess. For the first time, I believed that things were going to settle with them. They had finally accepted me.

  “Is there anything I can do?” I stupidly offer, knowing that they don’t want me around, nor do they want my help.

  The air thickens, almost choking me as I wait for him to end this. My eyes still see, but the walls are closing in, and everything is getting dark. Breathe, breathe. You need to be strong.

  I try hard, but my mind is shutting down. Maybe it’s just the shock of today’s events. From the best news in the world to … everything shifts, crumbles. I’m not sure what to expect next. The only thing I know is that I kept pouring out love, hoping that one day it would be enough.

  But it’s over.

  My heart knows it; we’re done. The journey ends here before it even began. I watch his boots move away from me and then back again. He does it several times until they stop right in front of me. My eyes travel over his long legs, all the way up until they meet his face.

  “Thank you for leaving before things got out of control,” he states.

  Out of control is an understatement. Alicia, his ex-wife, lost her shit and was blaming me for something I didn’t do. I didn’t kill Tess. Your daughter isn’t dead. Tess hates the idea of me so much that she … my lungs collapse, and I hold my tears back. It hurts that we almost lost her. But I don’t have the right to cry, because she’s not mine.

  Three years of loving her, caring for her as if she were my own doesn’t count. I’m still nobody. This entire situation wrecked my heart with endless emotions: sadness, pain, guilt, rage. I drop my head because the guilt weighs more than anything else.

  Kade almost lost his daughter the same way he lost his sister.

  My heart hurts for him, for Tess, and a little for Alicia. A parent should never have to face this kind of pain. I lift my hand to take his, but he takes a couple of steps backward. My lungs deflate when I see the void in his eyes.

  No, please don’t do it. We’re a family. We should talk this through, fix it. Don’t leave us.

  “I care about you,” he begins. It’s such a cliché.

  No, I want you to say, you love me.

  Last night he said it before I fell asleep tucked between his arms.

  You woke me up with the same words, insisting that you couldn’t wait for the day you could call me your wife. Mrs. Hades. You can’t just toss away a three-year relationship.

  I can’t lose my best friend, my lover, my soulmate. I feel as if my heart is being ripped away from my chest.

  “My children are my life. My reason to exist. Their wellbeing matters more to me than anything in the world.”

  More than me, I finish what he can’t say.

 
I want to scream at him. Yell until I turn purple, until he understands that I matter too. That I’m worthy of his love, that we can work this out as a family. But can we really? There’s no use in fighting it. His children will never accept me. His ex will always poison them against me.

  “The last thing I want is to hurt you or leave you. But I don’t see any other solution. I have to protect them, even from you.”

  Does Alicia know how much he sacrifices for their two children? Do they?

  Not many fathers put their children first. Mine isn’t like him. I recall the multiple times I had to endure my father’s wife, or my mother’s boy toy. My parents always put them before me. This moment, what he’s doing—choosing his daughters over me—makes me fall in love with him all over again. My heart bleeds for our love, but is happy knowing his daughters have a fantastic father who loves them more than anything.

  “I love them.”

  “And I appreciate that you were nice to them, but this can’t continue. Hope you understand,” Kade says.

  Since I met him, he’s never talked to me like this. As if I were a total stranger invading his space. Overnight, I’ve become no one to Kaden Hades. My heart explodes inside my chest, the pieces becoming dust, disappearing as the wind blows through the room. I count my breaths, reminding myself that I’m a strong woman.

  From the beginning, I was aware that this was just a fantasy. A love like the one I shared with him can only last for so long before it changes. Growing up, I learned that nothing is permanent. Why did I believe that this time it’d be different?

  Composing myself, I smile at him. “It’ll take me a couple of days to pack my things.” I breathe a few times, finding some strength left inside me before my legs and my body give up. “Tonight, I’ll take the essentials, let me know when the best time is for me to come by and pack the rest. Plus, I have to find a new place.”

  “Fuck,” he exhales, his broad shoulders slump. Kaden’s breaking apart. If only he’d let me be there for him, but he doesn’t want me here.

  “Sadie…” his voice trails away.

  My body jolts when I hear a smashing sound. His fist connecting with the wall.

  “I’m hurting you, after I swore I’d never do it…” He runs a hand through his dark hair, taking several breaths. “I’m sorry for breaking my promise.”

  “Don’t be.” I brush him away heading to the closet while searching for my luggage. “This is one of the reasons why I love you, Kade. You hang the moon and the stars for them.”

  I bite back the rest of my thought. Words that might convince him that this could work, that we could try to defy the odds. But maybe I’d just be postponing the end for a few more days or weeks. Alicia was right.

  He has a family, you’re just an intruder passing through.

  She won, not that anyone won after what just happened. Everyone lost a piece of themselves, and it’ll take time for us to recover. Focusing on the task of packing, I try to remain quiet. But suddenly, I feel sick to my stomach and run to the bathroom.

  “Oh my God, are you alright?”

  “Fine.” I heave, holding my stomach while he rubs circles on my back with his big hand.

  “Did you go to the doctor?”

  “It’s nothing, you don’t have to worry about me anymore.” I brush my teeth and wash my face before heading to the closet.

  Packing and holding the tears is like juggling with fireballs. Something is going to fall, and I’ll catch on fire. Remain calm, wait until you get to the car.

  “Tess wants to recover here, instead of going to Alicia’s,” he says after I close my second bag. “Would you mind if I have someone pack for you?”

  “Tell you what,” I offer walking to the bathroom to collect my toiletries. “I’ll pack and bring my things to the flower shop. That way, I’ll be out of your hair before tomorrow morning. In the meantime, why don’t you go back to the hospital?”

  Leave me while I bleed and plan my next step.

  Tell him.

  You said you’d talk to him.

  No, there’s no point. Think about Tess.

  “Not sure if it’ll help, but I know a few counselors,” I channel a neutral voice.

  The self-preservation mode I adopted when I was a little girl is fully activated. He won’t know how much this is affecting me; that I’m dying on the inside. For once, I let myself believe I could be part of a family, in a happy place.

  “Sade,” he calls my name. His voice is deep with longing.

  I turn toward the door and spot him leaning against the frame, his face etched with excruciating pain. It hurts me seeing him agonizing, torn between his daughters and me. He deserves to be loved, to be taken care of. He’s such a troubled soul, yet, the best man I’ve ever met.

  “Kade,” I mumble his name, slumping my shoulders and getting back to the task at hand.

  Nothing we say will fix what’s happened to Tess, what’s happening to us.

  We’re over.

  “Ask me to be selfish, to say fuck it all,” he begs.

  “As much as it breaks my heart, I refuse to cause any harm to your girls.” I shake my head, taking my jewelry box. “I didn’t do anything, but you’re right, this is for the best.”

  “Babe, I don’t want to lose you.” His voice breaks.

  I set my bag on the floor, and cover my eyes with the heels of my palms. I take a few deep breaths, soothing myself.

  Hold the tears, Sadie. Be strong.

  His sandalwood and tobacco scent hits me before he embraces me, trapping me into those strong arms while he fights his own decision. Leaning my head on his chest, I listen to his heartbeat, letting it calm me for the last time.

  “I never wanted to hurt her,” I cry, unable to hold the pain. “Or for her to hurt herself because of me. I love her.”

  “You’ve been good to them.”

  “I love them as if they were my own.”

  “You’re the love of my life,” he murmurs close to my ear. “My perfect half. But I can’t put my children in danger.”

  I look up, finding his handsome face so close to mine that I can feel his breath caressing my face. Lifting my hand, I caress his jaw. We’re both the product of broken homes and irresponsible adults. That’s not the future that either one of us would like to give to our own little ones—or the children he already has. Our minds understand each other, just like our hearts and souls. I recognize his internal fight, and I respect it.

  Kade just wants to be the best father he can be to his daughters who already have to deal with a horrible mother.

  “They’ll be fine because they have you. I’ll leave because I love you,” I whisper entwining my hands behind his neck and kissing him long and deep one last time.

  This is where the story ends. For the last time, I share the energy of my soul with him. Tonight, I open myself to him. I feel alive. I’m strong enough to take a chance to love him one last time—to dream of what will never happen.

  2

  Kade

  Six Months Later

  The music thumps so hard through the speakers, my bones vibrate. Sad and angry rifts play through my guitar, accompanied by lyrics filled with pain and regret. Desperation. Guilt. I blame her for not holding on to me, for letting me be the most stupid man in the world.

  I lost her, and I’m dead inside.

  “You denied me your body,” I sing, closing my eyes. My angel. My magical fairy. The woman who stole my heart from the first moment I saw her. These days that’s the only way I can feel her; when I’m on stage singing—just for her.

  The progression of the melody doesn’t stop. The drums are pounding on a wicked sequence of beats, hammering against my chest. Once the tempo builds, I open my eyes, run to the left of the stage, and continue bleeding lyrics.

  “You deprived me of all the things that feed my soul.” My voice trembles reliving the last moments with her.

  You deprived me of your love.

  I begged you to stop me, not to
let me destroy us.

  How do I live without you?

  Without your scent,

  your magic,

  Don’t let me go,

  Hold on to the memories

  Hold on to my love

  One day I’ll find you

  Here or in another world

  One day I’ll find you

  And when I do, I won't let you go.

  My guitar weeps along with my heart in her absence. The images of our last night play in my mind. Her long, chestnut with purple and pink locks tangled between my hands. My lips pressed against her sun-kissed skin. My cock thrusting inside her while I poured out my love to her and branded myself in her soul.

  “Marry me, Hades!” Someone from the audience screams, another one professes her love for me.

  The applause and shrieks from the crowd last long enough for the sweat to clear along with the tears.

  Fucking tears.

  Who the fuck cries while working?

  But tonight of all nights, I feel like my heart’s been ripped from my chest—for a second time. That I’m losing her, this time forever.

  Despite my body shakes and dripping sweat, I gather all my strength and smile at my public. The world doesn’t have to know that I’m broken and that the music I play is my life support.